There is a line from Goodwill Hunting, Ben Affleck is talking to Matt Damon, and he says this line: "Every day I come by your house and I pick you up. And we go out. We have a few drinks, and a few laughs, and it's great. But you know what the best part of my day is? For about ten seconds, from when I pull up to the curb and when I get to your door, 'cause I think, maybe I'll get up there and I'll knock on the door and you won't be there. No goodbye. No see you later. No nothing. You just left. I don't know much, but I know that." For me it is one of the best lines in a pretty great film. And every morning, when I wake up, I pray for about ten seconds before I open my eyes, that I am going to open them in paradise. That somehow God finally answered my prayers, found mercy, and I was just gone. No goodbyes. No messy lose ends to tie up. No nothing. But then I hear my dog snore, and see the sun coming through the back window, and I know what is to come. Those ten seconds are the happiest of my day.
I know as soon as I put my feet on the ground I am going to feel pain, feel weakness. I have to live in my world of isolation, with only my thoughts of what a complete failure my life is to keep me company. I count down the minutes until it is time to sleep again, so I can try once more for those ten happy seconds of oblivion, when, still heavy with sleep, I can almost trick myself into believing that this is not my life. Sadly, most nights sleep is elusive, one last jab at the fleeting moments of happiness I have.
We will all get to "open our eyes in paradise" soon enough...but in the meantime, you have so much to do here! I have to tell you that in the short time I've and we've known you...you have been an inspiration to us all with your attitude, disposition, and perspective while facing something the rest of us can't even imagine. People are drawn to that type of perspective...as we have been. If that outward expression is masking an inner pain and struggle...then your friends are here. We are here! You may feel isolated, but you're not. God placed us all together for this short time for a reason. We need to count on each other and share with each other. Blogs are one way to communicate, but don't let yourself believe for one minute that your life is a complete failure, or a failure of any kind. You have had a greater impact on me than you can even guess. God has blessed you...even though the physical pain may not have ceased. But you must fight through it and continue on because I guarantee God has a plan for you in all of this! I GUARANTEE it!
ReplyDeleteI know this was from 4 years ago, but if you are at all like me, you still feel this from time to time. I don't generally share such personal thoughts with anyone, because they will feel it needs to be "fixed" or that I'm somehow suicidal instead of just listening and crying with me. The reality is, this is just part of what we deal with. I know it will pass and I can be happy again in ah hour, a day, or a week or a month. It isn't inappropriate to realize just how hard my battle is at times, or just how much it has taken from me, as long as I don't allow myself to wallow in it too long and allow it to steal from me my will to just keep going. I have faith some day will be better...I just wish "someday" was today.
ReplyDeleteLove and Hugs, Alicia. I'm so glad we were able to meet and will always cherish that. I pray you get your cure soon, and that I will follow shortly in your foot-steps.
So true Catherine. I don't want to live forever in these feelings, but these kinds of feelings do come, and I need to be true to myself by acknowledging them. And I wish more people allowed a space where people could be honest about those feelings and where we could all sit together in that pain, and uncomfortableness, instead of making it a human moment we are in such a hurry to either try to fix the person or label the person. The people that are willing to just sit with you and cry with you through the mess of life are few and far between, but I am glad I have a few in my life. And I am so glad I got to meet you too. I hope it wasn't the last time! :)
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