...but we all know that already. Sometimes I feel like that line from Bruce Almighty, "God is a mean kid with a magnifying glass." Ok, so I don't really feel that way. But it sure does seem like some people have a disproportionate amount of bad things that happen to them, while other people seem to skate by in life while avoiding all of the potholes. I try very hard to focus on the blessings in my life, and not the deficits; to be thankful for what I have and not covet things I don't. But I am so far from actually achieving this ideal in my daily life, it is probably laughable to God. I suffer jealously often, I am often depressed by thoughts of what I can't do, and I long for the things I can't have.
This has been magnified one hundred times lately as we have begun talking about adopting a child. I came to peace with the fact that I would not have a biological child a long time ago. But God has blessed me by bringing many children into my life, through friends, work, church, and now the beautiful girl I call my daughter who belongs to my fiancee. However, I have always had a longing for a baby, a desire for a large family, and a heart for children with disabilities or who were just tossed aside for whatever reason. I would love to adopt. I think I would make a good mom. But as we have begun this journey I have come to realize that I might as well wish for a million dollars to appear on my dinner table tomorrow morning, that is about the chance I have of becoming a mother through adoption.
Many agencies have a marriage requirement. They require couples to be married a certain number of years, and it one spouse has had a divorce that number is usually increased. Well, Brian and I have been putting off our wedding for a year and a half because of health and financial reasons. I guess in 5 years we will be good enough to give an orphan a loving and permanent home. Don't get me wrong, I understand the need for rules like this. These children have been through such upheaval and trauma in their short lives already, you don't want them to have to go through the distress of divorce. But longevity is not a great indicator of marital bliss.
Well, regardless of if we had been married 10 years or not most agencies will not even consider you if you have had a major illness, currently have a chronic illness, have taken anti-depressants or been to psychological services in the past 2 years, or have ever had cancer. So strike one, two, and three for me. It was like a knife to my heart when I realized that the disease I have been fighting for the last 10 years, fighting to live, to have a family; may be what costs me from adding to our family in any way.
I see so much need out there. So many kids in orphanages, group homes, in abusive situations, people who just don't "want" their children. I believe I could offer a loving home, I would love to raise a child of my own, however they made it into my home, but life is just so unfair sometimes.
