Ok, so it is not even close to a jet plane...it is a U-Haul truck and my 2004 red Hyundai Accent with 75,000 miles on it, previously having survived annihilation. It is a two day trip across the southern US with a drugged dog, my mom driving exactly the speed limit, and hours of Gordon Lightfoot and Simon & Garfunkle. (I hope I make it!)
I pretty much have just a couple more days left in Tucson. I don't know why it is so upsetting for me to leave, when I had no plans of staying here in the first place. My goal was get in, get out. I came down for one purpose, and as soon as that was fulfilled I was on to greener pastures. Maybe the leaving is bittersweet because I did not fulfill my goals; I failed at what I came here to accomplish. Sometimes I feel like leaving means finally, completely giving up on my dreams. But life here has been more nightmare than dream, so I think maybe that is misguided logic. I know leaving is hard because finally I have made some friends here, and found a community I fit into. I have never made friends easily, and I don't fit well into group dynamics. I enjoy solitude, and am easily annoyed by others; but for some reason I have found a group of people that I like, and I think they tolerate me pretty well. It is going to be hard to find anything that mirrors this anywhere else. As I write, I can't even think about leaving some of my friends without tearing up. It feels like a big open wound in my chest, that I am not sure how I am going to mend.
But you always have to look on the sunny side of life, right? So I guess I will call this an adventure, or maybe a social experiment. How does a liberal, feminist, Christian fare in the Southern Bible belt? Well, at least I get to spend my mornings looking out over beautiful acres of forests and valleys while deer and their babies munch grass, bunnies hop by, and birds fight with the squirrels for sunflower seeds. Ok, so it sounds like somewhere Snow White would live. As long as there are no woodsmen out to cut out my heart, I think it should be a great place to find physical, emotional and spiritual rest. A place where I can refocus my life's goals and try to remember what is really important in life; family, friends, making memories that help sustain you through the rough times.
I don't want to leave Tucson; it was a decision I made, but not a choice. And I don't want to stay here because I love the city of Tucson, but because I love the people in my life here! But sometimes you just got to do what you got to do. I hope I can take all the happy memories that Tucson has given me along for the ride, and leave all the pain, failure, and stress behind.
Thank you Tucson for the good and bad times; I hope I am leaving here a better person for it.
